I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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