My hair reeks of homosexuality.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
