it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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