I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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