GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
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Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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