When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
