I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
