the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
