I can text with my tongue
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
