today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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