i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
