Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
