That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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