He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
