I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
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Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
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Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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