I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Sober January is a disaster.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
