I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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