I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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