I should be sponsored by Trojan
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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