3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
