My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
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