Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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