A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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