awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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