there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
