Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
