my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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