i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
