I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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