Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
