I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
