He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
