the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
