I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
