I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
