I think my fart just growled at me.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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