Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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