I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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