I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
