i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
