i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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