she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My feet surprised me
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
