Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize