he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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