gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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