I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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