You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
