my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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