he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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