His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I think i got beer on your cat.
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