We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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