Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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