you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
