Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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