sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
