The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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