quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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