xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i love accidental penises.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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