no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
