Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
