Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
