@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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