OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
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you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
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I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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