I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
