I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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